Kids Lie | What to do When Your Tween Kids Lie
When 8-12 Year Old Kids Misrepresent the Truth—Even When You’ve Taught Honesty
We all lie.
We know little kids lie for obvious reasons:
Why Do Little Kids Lie?
- Imagination & Storytelling – Young kids don’t always see the difference between reality and make-believe. They aren’t trying to deceive—they’re just lost in their own stories.
- Fear of Consequences – If telling the truth means getting in trouble, a lie can feel like the easier option. Kids might fib to avoid punishment, especially in strict households.
- Attention-Seeking – Sometimes, kids just want to feel special. They might exaggerate or make up stories to impress friends or family.
- Avoiding Shame – If a child feels embarrassed about something they did (or didn’t do), they might lie to protect themselves from feeling bad.
- Testing Boundaries – As kids grow, they push limits to see what they can get away with. Lying is one way to test the waters.
- Mimicking Adults – Kids notice everything, including those little white lies adults tell to get out of awkward situations. If they see it happening, they might copy it.
But by age 4, kids are aware that making false statements is wrong (The Truth About Lying ).
Why do Older (8-12 year old) Kids Continue to Lie?
I’ve been struggling with my own reflections on how this could be my fault. I imagine the shitty comments teachers or other parents might be thinking or saying because of the bone-headed thing my kid said on the playground. People LOVE to blame how kids behave on what happens at home. But there is so much more at play by this age.
Some kids who lie at this age might be showing anti-social behaviour. But most of them aren’t lying in that same sense though.
Kids 8-12 years old are experimenting with some difficult social transitions and notably, with language. As teens and adults, we are sarcastic, we exaggerate, we incorporate (sometimes ridiculous) sayings into our speech to make storytelling more dramatic and interesting. These are skills that children are developing and quite frankly, aren’t that good at yet — especially those aged 8-12 years old or so.
Surely, children this age “know better” than to lie, right? Too bad we’ve complicated things by modelling polite lying, exaggeration, withholding information and paraphrasing since they were born. Additionally, many kids have unmonitored screen time and even their own devices. I have been floored by some things I’ve overheard my kids say at home that they got from the playground or watching YouTube at a friend’s house.
Sometimes, kids say things that aren’t true in ways that go beyond simple social conditioning. They get overwhelmed or confused: they twist events, misunderstand situations, and unintentionally create narratives that, when repeated, escalate into something alarming. The speaker misspeaks in one way or another, and the listener misrepresents what they heard.
It’s a complete cluster-fuck.
Even when parents “have done everything right” to encourage honesty, these moments still happen.
So, let’s talk about why MY do kids do this, and how can parents navigate the fallout if you’re up against something similar.
If you’ve recently been shocked by something untrue your child has said, keep reading.
When Kids Misrepresent or Oversimplify Intense Moments
Big emotions leave big impressions (“Emotions Can Affect Your Memory — Here’s Why and How to Handle It.”. A single stressful event—like a parent freak out in a moment of panic or calling emergency services—can be seared into a child’s memory and exaggerated in retelling. What was an isolated incident turns into “My parents fight” or “I live in a dangerous neighbourhood.”. The child isn’t lying in the way adults define lying; they’re recalling an experience through the lens of their emotions.
What to Do:
- Recognize that it’s likely they aren’t deliberately misleading—intense moments can actually feel bigger than they were.
- Ask them to walk you through their memory: “When did that happen? What do you remember most?”. A good investigator keeps questions open ended whenever possible.
- Clarify gently: “That was a stressful day, but it’s not something that happens often.”
When Figurative Speech Gets Taken Literally
Kids hear and repeat phrases without considering how they might sound to others. “My parents will kill me if they find out!” or “I’ll get slapped for this!” might be dramatic expressions in their mind, but someone overhearing that may take it at face value. What was meant as hyperbole can quickly lead to serious misunderstandings.
What to Do:
- Explain the weight of words: “I know you didn’t mean that literally, but if someone hears it, they might think you’re in danger.”
- Offer alternatives: “Instead of saying ‘My mom’s gonna kick my ass’, how else can you express that you’re worried about getting in trouble?”
- Reinforce that words matter and help shape others’ perceptions.
Remember that language skills are tied to many factors and develop at different rates depending on age, gender, socioeconomic background, neurodivergence factors (Linguistic Skills and Socioeconomic Status: Two Oft Forgotten Factors in Child Metaphor Comprehension.). However, kids are exposed to figurative language through conversation, media and class lessons. They are picking it up and experimenting with delivery and understanding of it…often failing at both.
When a Lie Snowballs Through Retelling
A child’s offhand exaggeration can take on a life of its own as it spreads. “I could hear my parents arguing last night” morphs into a generalization like,“Their parents don’t get along.” when another child retells it. Soon, a teacher or friend hears an even more exaggerated version: “Their parents are always fighting. The yelling keeps him up at night.” Now, an innocent statement has become a concern.
What to Do:
- Address it calmly with your child: “Did you mean to say it that way, or did someone misunderstand?” , “Why might they think this?”
- Show how stories evolve: “This started as a small detail, but now people think it’s something much bigger.”
- Teach accountability: “If someone is worried because of what was said, we need to clear things up.”
Children are only working from example of how adults paraphrase everything they read and hear. This is a practice we have been following for years as the correct way to reiterate a source. However, in situations like this, it’s important to get the exact wording correct. Kids need to understand the difference.
Remind them of the game of telephone, and how a message changes the more it’s retold. There’s what someone SAYS, and there’s what someone HEARS. Kids should keep this in mind when choosing their wording, and when repeating what they’ve heard to others.
When Anxious Rambling Leads to Bigger Trouble
Sometimes, a child caught in a tense moment—especially on the playground, at school, or in front of peers—blurts out statements in a pressured, panicked state. They might be trying to explain themselves, but as the words spill out, they get twisted, exaggerated, or taken the wrong way.
Meanwhile, the kids listening start whispering, paraphrasing, and making their own conclusions, gossiping, escalating the situation. This can cause the child to back peddle, or corner them into defending what they said… which they didn’t mean to word that way in the first place!
Compounding panic. Heart racing. Tears swelling. Mouth motoring.
Now there’s a call home and you cannot believe what you’re hearing.
What to Do:
- Recognize that anxiety can make kids talk before they think, speak too much, too fast, and without careful wording (Anxiety: Why Some People Talk Too Much).
- Help them slow down: “Take a breath and think about what really happened before you explain it.” Or have them take quiet time to write down what happened. This slows things down and regulates their nervous system to they can think and communicate clearly.
- Teach them to ask for time before responding in tough situations: “It’s okay to say, ‘I need a few minutes to think before I answer.’”
- If a situation has already escalated, work with them to correct misunderstandings: “Let’s go talk to your teacher together and explain what actually happened.”
When Kids Tell Half-Truths for Sympathy
Eight to twelve year olds are in a constant power struggle on the playground (The Social and Emotional Lives of 8- to 10-Year-Olds). The competition for attention is steep. Sometimes, kids share just enough of the truth to make their situation seem more dramatic. They might say, “I got in trouble for no reason,” leaving out the part where they broke a rule. Or they might claim, “My mom just threw me off the couch,” when in reality, they left out the part where they were in a blind rage, strangling their sibling for the remote, requiring emergency separation and he fell. These aren’t outright lies, but they are carefully crafted versions of the half-truth, at best.
What to Do:
- Ask for the full picture: “Tell me everything that happened, not just the part that felt unfair.” Make it clear you will seek other points of view. Don’t interrupt until they are finished. This will help keep them focused and coherent while avoiding putting words in their mouth.
- Help them see how leaving out details changes the story: “If someone only hears part of what happened, they might get the wrong idea.”
- Encourage them to share feelings without distorting facts: “If you didn’t like your lunch, say that. That’s different from saying you didn’t get to eat.”
When Kids Lie to Protect Themselves or Others
Sometimes, kids tell lies not to deceive but to protect themselves, someone else, or even the feelings of those around them (“Lying and truth-telling in children: from concept to action.”). These prosocial lies actually increase with age and are a strong motivator for lying (“Lying and truth-telling in children: from concept to action.”).
They might insist, “I love it!”, or, “It’s delicious!”, to spare someone’s feelings (“Be honest, but not too much”, parents’ inconsistency when they teach children to tell the truth”. They might claim, “I don’t know who broke it,” to avoid punishment of a friend of sibling, or say, “They weren’t even there,”.
What to Do:
- Help them see that honesty and protection don’t have to be at odds: Reframe by saying, “Let’s look at the bigger picture.”, to focus on the situation/outcome rather than individual actions. Or, “Sharing the truth will help resolve the situation rather than make it any worse.”, highlighting the ability for the truth to protect the people involved from additional pain.
- Encourage safe honesty and pride in accountability: “If you’re worried about getting in trouble, we can work through it together.”. Praise responsibility and accountability in accepting any consequences.
- Reassure them that they can be authentic while remaining polite: “You don’t have to say you love something just to make someone happy. You could thank them instead, and make conversation around how you will use the gift, or where you’ve seen it before, etc.”
Final Thoughts
Kids don’t always twist the truth on purpose, but when they do, it can often be about perception, language skills, memory, or emotion rather than deception.
Let’s keep in mind this age group are unreliable narrators who are learning the nuances of sarcasm, exaggeration, storytelling, and manners. It’s not likely they are intending to be malicious or believe they are lying in a traditional sense. This is an area they need help navigating as they grow. It’s also a reminder to us adults to keep our cools. Listen. Understand. Teach.
Looooong exhale (I hate it when people tell me to “breathe”.). Give it a minute before reacting.
Helping children understand the impact of their words—on themselves and others—builds honesty, accountability, and emotional awareness that will be used to form meaningful relationships in the future.
Doing this research has actually given me an epiphany or two. What about you?
What is your experience in this area? What brought you here?
Let’s support each other in the comments.
How to Forgive your Child when the Lie Feels Too Big
Sources:
“Be honest, but not too much”, parents’ inconsistency when they teach children to tell the truth”. Psychology Spot. https://psychology-spot.com/lies-teach-children-tell-the-truth/
“Emotions Can Affect Your Memory — Here’s Why and How to Handle It. Medically” reviewed by Matthew Boland, PhD — Written by Emily Swaim on July 10, 2022. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/how-does-emotion-impact-memory#how-emotions-act-on-memory
Pouscoulous, Nausicaa, and Alexandra Perovic. “Linguistic Skills and Socioeconomic Status: Two Oft Forgotten Factors in Child Metaphor Comprehension.” Children (Basel, Switzerland) vol. 10,12 1847. 25 Nov. 2023, doi:10.3390/children10121847 https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10741720/
“The Social and Emotional Lives of 8- to 10-Year-Olds”. By Michelle Anthony, PhD. https://www.scholastic.com/parents/family-life/social-emotional-learning/development-milestones/truth-about-lying.html
Xu, Fen et al. “Lying and truth-telling in children: from concept to action.” Child development vol. 81,2 (2010): 581-96. doi:10.1111/j.1467-8624.2009.01417.x https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2864928/
Additional Reading:
“Emotions And Memory Formation In Early Childhood”. 22 January 2024. https://www.shichidaathome.com/blog/the-influence-of-emotional-factors-on-memory-formation-in-early-childhood
“Fight, Flight, Freeze… or Fib?” By Monica Hassall, R.N., Barbara Hunter, M.Ed.Verified. Updated on May 22, 2024. ADDitude Magazine. https://www.additudemag.com/why-lie-adhd-fight-flight-freeze/
Principe, Gabrielle F, and Erica Schindewolf. “Natural Conversations as a Source of False Memories in Children: Implications for the Testimony of Young Witnesses.” Developmental review : DR vol. 32,3 (2012): 205-223. doi:10.1016/j.dr.2012.06.003 https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3487111/
Reddit: How many of you have the tendency to “panic lie” in anxious situations and how do you prevent it?
Resources:
RESOURCE SHEET : Canadian Child Care Federation
Helping Young Children Tell the Truth: https://cccf-fcsge.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/RS_36-e.pdf
RESOURCE PDF: Girl Guides of Washington: Telephone Game: https://www.girlscoutsww.org/content/dam/girlscoutsww-redesign/documents/members/volunteers/telephone-game.pdf
PODCAST: Speaking of Psychology: The truth about why kids lie, with Victoria Talwar, PhD https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/why-kids-lie
